Grief and Loss(two different relations) are like a housepet you get with the property you inherit...you must maintain them within and with out...take them out when necessary, you always feel the presence even when out of sit....they never go away but hopefully after a suitable passage of time...perhaps a grudging cohabitation...but the burden is always yours, the inheritor
You are doing the work. The only direction is forward, through it. You are worth loving. You are worthy of a fulfilling life. You have much to offer the world, even if your brain says otherwise. You are raising beautiful humans who will see your journey and learn from it. You get to decide what you will teach them. The grief is only part of your journey. Your love for them, for yourself, for your new home are also parts of your journey. Don't look past these other parts.
...when my brain starts poking at me, and my body begins to droop with the weight upon it... I break out in operatic song (it relieves my tight throat): NOT TODAAAAAAAAY. NOT TODAY~~~~~ F*UCK YOU, BRAIN.... NOT TODAYYYYYYYYYYY
I've been there. I spent the following year drunk and going to strip joints. Lap dances and booze didn't help. Naked girls half my age didn't get me off and alcohol didn't kill me. I had to try another way out. Fuck it. I'm still here. 20 years later.
Death in general is tough. We, the living are left to grieve and left to pick up the pieces or put back together the puzzle with the pieces we find, or make up. You likely won’t love this response, but take it in the spirit in which it’s intended-suicide is a choice. It’s not a great choice, nonetheless their choice. I find I have no sympathy for anyone that chooses to take their own life. There are way too many positive reasons to enjoy whatever can. It’s cold, but everyone has a support system whether it’s in their circle or on the devices we carry everywhere. I was almost in a divorce situation. Felt that overwhelming feeling of pain that really did seem like suicide would take it away. But I found my way out. Improved myself and my relationships. Your divorcing didn’t push him over the edge. He was already there. Based on your writings of past occurrences in your relationship-he likely positioned it to leave you think that and knew you would tear yourself up over it. It sucks. You’re a kind soul. Glad you have social media because you’re quite funny how you interact. I enjoy you. Time will eventually heal it. You will never forget. But you will find ways to cope. He’s a large part of who you are now. Wish you the best.
Well said. My experience is that grief ebbs and flows. It never goes away. I’ve just learned to cope and try to remember good things. Good luck, and I mean that sincerely.
I can actually feel the pain coming through in your writing. Maybe it resonates because I had a wife who died of cancer at the age of 35 after two long years of fighting it. I think the difference between my experience and yours is that by the end, I wanted my wife's suffering to end. She had been through so much and the pain was unbearable. So much that even copious amounts of morphine couldn't help.
But yours is different. Suicide is such a selfish act. It is their message to the rest of the world that they don't care about what they do to others.. His choice to kill himself is not your fault. But his act probably leaves you feeling a certain amount of responsibility. Please don't accept that.
Grieve for what you have lost. Grieve for the connections and memories that you made. Grieve for the future that was stolen by him. But also know that you are still here. You have those who need you and want you. and would do anything for you if you were just to ask.
I won't say that it will get easier going forward, but I would say that you will develop scar tissue that will always be a reminder of what you went through. But that is a good thing. If you have had the chance to laugh, cry, be angry or filled with joy, you have experienced all the wonderful parts of being human. And that is quite an accomplishment. Just like you are an accomplishment.
I wish you nothing but the best. You seem like such an intelligent person who is going through Hell right now. But as some guy said, "When you are going through Hell, keep going."
Grief and Loss(two different relations) are like a housepet you get with the property you inherit...you must maintain them within and with out...take them out when necessary, you always feel the presence even when out of sit....they never go away but hopefully after a suitable passage of time...perhaps a grudging cohabitation...but the burden is always yours, the inheritor
You are doing the work. The only direction is forward, through it. You are worth loving. You are worthy of a fulfilling life. You have much to offer the world, even if your brain says otherwise. You are raising beautiful humans who will see your journey and learn from it. You get to decide what you will teach them. The grief is only part of your journey. Your love for them, for yourself, for your new home are also parts of your journey. Don't look past these other parts.
❤️❤️
...when my brain starts poking at me, and my body begins to droop with the weight upon it... I break out in operatic song (it relieves my tight throat): NOT TODAAAAAAAAY. NOT TODAY~~~~~ F*UCK YOU, BRAIN.... NOT TODAYYYYYYYYYYY
sending love your way
❤️
I've been there. I spent the following year drunk and going to strip joints. Lap dances and booze didn't help. Naked girls half my age didn't get me off and alcohol didn't kill me. I had to try another way out. Fuck it. I'm still here. 20 years later.
That’s heavy stuff ❤️ I’m glad you’re here
Death in general is tough. We, the living are left to grieve and left to pick up the pieces or put back together the puzzle with the pieces we find, or make up. You likely won’t love this response, but take it in the spirit in which it’s intended-suicide is a choice. It’s not a great choice, nonetheless their choice. I find I have no sympathy for anyone that chooses to take their own life. There are way too many positive reasons to enjoy whatever can. It’s cold, but everyone has a support system whether it’s in their circle or on the devices we carry everywhere. I was almost in a divorce situation. Felt that overwhelming feeling of pain that really did seem like suicide would take it away. But I found my way out. Improved myself and my relationships. Your divorcing didn’t push him over the edge. He was already there. Based on your writings of past occurrences in your relationship-he likely positioned it to leave you think that and knew you would tear yourself up over it. It sucks. You’re a kind soul. Glad you have social media because you’re quite funny how you interact. I enjoy you. Time will eventually heal it. You will never forget. But you will find ways to cope. He’s a large part of who you are now. Wish you the best.
Thank you for writing this. It meant a lot to me to read it and you’ve given me a lot to think about ❤️ I’m so grateful
Good read....
I completely relate. It’s been Three years since my wife passed. Grief has me so unbalanced. I can’t find any joy.
It’s such a hard journey ❤️❤️
Well said. My experience is that grief ebbs and flows. It never goes away. I’ve just learned to cope and try to remember good things. Good luck, and I mean that sincerely.
I can actually feel the pain coming through in your writing. Maybe it resonates because I had a wife who died of cancer at the age of 35 after two long years of fighting it. I think the difference between my experience and yours is that by the end, I wanted my wife's suffering to end. She had been through so much and the pain was unbearable. So much that even copious amounts of morphine couldn't help.
But yours is different. Suicide is such a selfish act. It is their message to the rest of the world that they don't care about what they do to others.. His choice to kill himself is not your fault. But his act probably leaves you feeling a certain amount of responsibility. Please don't accept that.
Grieve for what you have lost. Grieve for the connections and memories that you made. Grieve for the future that was stolen by him. But also know that you are still here. You have those who need you and want you. and would do anything for you if you were just to ask.
I won't say that it will get easier going forward, but I would say that you will develop scar tissue that will always be a reminder of what you went through. But that is a good thing. If you have had the chance to laugh, cry, be angry or filled with joy, you have experienced all the wonderful parts of being human. And that is quite an accomplishment. Just like you are an accomplishment.
I wish you nothing but the best. You seem like such an intelligent person who is going through Hell right now. But as some guy said, "When you are going through Hell, keep going."
Keep going Lulu